Bitter Thoughts

No one seems to understand me. Actually, sometimes I think I don't even understand myself. I keep a lot of things under lock and key. I don't like going around sharing secrets because well.. I think secrets are meant to be kept secret. Maybe I'm afraid of opening up. Maybe I'm afraid that it will tear me apart like it once did. Maybe I just don't feel like it. Sometimes, even to myself I am mysterious. I have been having a lot of thoughts lately. Second guessing myself. Second guessing everything. I keep playing scenarios in my head. I keep thinking about different situations. I can't help but wonder if there's something you're not telling me. I can't help but linger on those words you said to me. That you want someone more similar to yourself.. not even the past tense, but the present. So it makes me wonder if you even still want me. If you're staying because you want to and because you believe in us or because you're stuck.

Renew.

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I went to Butter Avenue. It is a (somewhat new) patisserie and cafe on Yonge&Yonge in Toronto. We went there to get macarons and the idea suddenly dawned on me. What if we went around and tried all the macaron places and blogged about it? We've already been to a few, Sugar Tier, and Ruelo to name a few. So I thought, why not. I've been lacking motivation/inspiration to blog anything lately and maybe this will be a fresh start. I will be revamping this blog over the next few months.. get ready for some yummy stuff! (: Our experience and review of Butter Avenue will come soon!

Rise and Shine

Good morning! It's been a while since I've been early for this class.. well actually, I think this is the first time I've ever been early for this 10am class. Mental note to self: do not sign up for courses that begin before 1pm. It has been a while since I've blogged; I feel like I've been lacking inspiration. I feel like I don't know what to blog about anymore. You know how during the season of a show they stop filming for a bit and you're kind of like wtf when did they go on break? I feel like this is the midseason finale for me and I need to go on hiatus. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and feel like I need to blog and passion will just flow through my fingers and I'll have something interesting to write about. But as for now.. I have squat. I usually write about my feelings but I can't seem to pinpoint my feelings nowadays.. I feel very indifferent about a lot of things.. if not everything. Anyway, this is goodbye.. for now.

History..

The other day I found a banner I really liked online and so I contemplated changing my fb to the new timeline because it looked so cute with it but I decided to hold off on it. I held off because I was able to go through my timeline to see how it would look and I realized how creepy it was..I went back to 2006.. 2007.. 2008.. It was all very weird; how easy it was to go back and see the posts that were there from 3,4,5 years ago..I wasn't ready for what I'd see. There were posts that seemed so unreal.. from people I don't even talk to anymore.. and it hit me how much things have changed. I guess you can't hide from your past, no matter how much you try. Eventually, it'll catch up with you. I miss how a lot of things used to be. Life used to be simple. Life used to be easy. I miss the people that used to be in my life. I miss all of it. But the past is the past for a reason. I have new people in my life now. But who knows? Maybe one day they will be in my past too. It's just weird to see a whole timeline of it.. I will cherish my regular facebook for the next few days because on the 15th I'll be forced to use the new timeline.

Untitled

Whatever will be, will be.

Valentine.

A lot of girls may say that Valentine's isn't a big deal but really.. they're lying. I know it's extremely commercialized and love shouldn't just be for one day blah blah blah. I still think that it's really sweet that there's a day dedicated to love. Sure you can skip it and just do cute stuff on other days but deep inside you're wishing your significant other would do something for you because you hate seeing all the cute couples walking around with their roses and what not. Today, I spent Valentine's with my boyfriend. He kept telling me he got me something but refused to tell me what it was. To my surprise, he got me quite a bit.. He got me cake pops (which he arranged and put into a cup with a brownie baked in it so it looks like soil), a purple rose, and an instant camera! I'm so spoiled! We didn't have a fancy dinner or anything like that. We got some hot and sour soup (my craving) and popeyes (his craving) and just had a sort of picnic in his car. It was just nice, cuddling and enjoying each others company. My favourite Valentine's day by far!

Walls.

I'm not a very open person. I don't like the thought of letting someone completely in and giving them that power to destroy everything that I've worked towards. I don't like how vulnerable that leaves me. I choose not to give all of myself because I'm afraid of being left alone. I'm afraid of giving everything and then being left with nothing. It's my safety net, my backup plan. I have secrets that I've never told anyone because the only person you can truly trust is yourself. I try not to bother other people because I don't want to burden them with my issues, my problems, my inner demons. I build these walls that protect me. I build a castle of dreams, fears, hopes, and secrets. Each of which, hidden beneath chambers and secret passages.

Meet QQ

Meet my doggy QQ. Isn't he precious? (:

Study!

So, I was supposed to start studying at 1.. it is now 4:33 and I've been able to do everything BUT study. I ate, watched The Vampire Diaries, ate again, went on facebook, twitter, and now I'm blogging.. I really should stop procrastinating and get to it. Busy week ahead! I never have time to just loaft around anymore :'(

A Glimpse Into My Soul

Relationships are hard. They need lots of work and people that are willing to work hard on them. I never knew how much effort it took to keep a relationship until now. I used to breeze through relationships. When times got hard, I left. It was my modus operandi. I figured that it was just easier to leave then to try and work things out. But, I'm older now. I realize that relationships do need work; they do need effort.. you just can't breeze your way through them. With each conflict that we solve together, it builds us. It helps us to build stronger and better bonds. I'm not perfect.. I mess up.. a lot. I try my best though and I hope you see that. I hope that we'll continue to work on us. I can't imagine not having you. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, a bitterness to my heart, a loss of breath, a trembling in my fingers, a silence in my head, and a fear that engulfs me. It has been a while since I've felt this way towards anyone. I know that we haven't been together long but I feel like we've known each other forever. I like that you have the same kind of humour, the weird moments we share that lead to contagious ugly laughs. I like lying next to you, breathing the same air. I like when we hold hands in the car and you let me shift for you (I think I'm getting better). I like going on adventures with you. I like when we think about the future and even plan for it. I like that you always make me feel better. I like when we kiss and cuddle. I like when you do little things like open my door first or kiss my hand randomly. I like everything that you do and I don't even mind that sometimes we don't agree on things. It would be boring if we both liked the same things and didn't disagree at all. I like that we've been able to work things out so far and I hope that we'll continue. I hope that we'll continue to bond and grow together (not apart). I want this forever (truly). I'm in love with you.

Uncertainty.

I didn't know that it would be so hard. I didn't know that this would be such an obstacle. I didn't know we'd be hurting each other. I didn't think we'd ever have to face this problem. I'm sorry for bringing you grief. I'm sorry for making you sad. Those were the last of my intentions, ever. Can we just go back?

Keeping My Head Above Water

I feel as though I've been really busy as of late. I haven't had time to just lounge around at home or sleep much. It's draining but I feel kind of good about it. I just need to keep up with readings and school work. I need to learn to work with my time better and everything should be okay.. hopefully.

Unsettling.

I can't help but feel this heart wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel as if I've disappointed you. That I'm a disappointment. I feel as if I've hurt you. That you deserve better. I keep questioning everything. I'm worried that you'll disappear. I'm afraid of allowing myself to completely open up and fall.. You worry me. I worry about you, about us. I'm afraid that I'll eventually push you away. It's all very unsettling to me.

"Sorry"

It really bothers me when people say sorry and you can tell that they don't really mean it. There is no empathy in their tone of voice. No indication that it were truly sincere; That they were truly sorry from the bottom of their heart. Some say it, just to say it. And that bothers me. You should know better. I'd prefer if you didn't say it actually. I hate hearing things that carry no meaning. Don't tell me things I want to hear. I want to hear the truth or nothing at all. "Sorry" means nothing to me coming from you.

Rough Patch.

It's really upsetting how it's all fallen apart so quick. What ever happened to us? We used to be so happy. I miss hanging out, just you and me. I miss the inside jokes we shared. I miss the weird and twisted sense of humour we have.. I miss you. I don't want you to leave.. ever. You are one of the better things in my life and just the thought of existing without you makes my stomach churn. You are my amazing friend.

Unsure?

I have recently discovered that a few guys that used to talk to me quite frequently don't talk to me as much (if at all) any more. Not to sound conceited or anything but I came up with the theory that they either had feelings for me or got tired of talking to me. I usually would lean towards the latter but why did it stop so abruptly? Thus, I have come to the conclusion that if you want to know if someone is interested in you, get into a relationship with someone else and see if they stop talking to you. If they do, chances are, they had feelings for you.. Or at least, that only seems like the plausible explanation.. but then again, maybe they just found something better.

Selfish.

I can't help it.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel insufficient.

..

It shouldn't bother me like this.. but it does. It's not right. I shouldn't feel like this.

You Should Never.

Although you may never be happy all the time, you should strive to be. If there is ever anything that causes you pain, that causes you to be unhappy, you should change it. You should learn to let things go; the ones that hurt you, tear you apart and prevent you from smiling. Sometimes, the things that make us happy momentarily aren't worth holding onto. When the minutes of dissatisfaction are more frequent than the glimpses of happiness, you should learn to let go. No matter how much it may hurt to do this, sometimes it's necessary in order to properly heal, in order to move on to something better. Never stay because you are afraid to leave. Stay because you want to stay. Stay because you want to grow together instead of growing apart. If you feel like things are falling apart, if you feel like the pieces don't fit together, don't force it. This isn't to say that it won't take a bit of work, it will. This is just to say, two people should never have to force something to work. There shouldn't be an upward battle; all the time.

Starting The New Year

I think New Years has got to be my favourite holiday. I don't know why.. probably because all the other ones don't really appeal to me. This New Years was spent with the boyfriend and his friends. We first had dinner and then later met up with them to head over to one of his friends house. We didn't have a crazy, drunk night like most people our age. Instead it was a night full of laughter, trolling and games. I was quite nervous at first because it was my first time really meeting them (other times it was more of a hey-bye thing) so I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't sure if they'd approve of me or even be willing to accept me into their close-knit circle. Overall, I think it was a good night. There wasn't any awkwardness from what I could tell.. but who knows. A good start to the New Year. Let's hope it's a good one. 2012, be good to me.. please.