The Battle Within Me

I may stumble, I may fall
I may not be at my best at all times,
or if ever at all.
But I try, I try hard,
I fight with all that I have
I hope of better days,
dream of better paths.
I dream of waking up to your smile,
to your warm touch,
I caress the night.
I wait for the morning,
I pray that I wake,
to another blessed day.
I fight a never ending fight,
a duel between two opposing teams,
inside myself.
I can never lose,
but I can never win.
It is a harsh life.
In dreams, you are what I crave,
but when I wake,
I have no idea who you are.
I don't know whether to pursue or run;
or do I stand still,
to let it -- let you,
consume me..

Terribly Terrible

I'm terrible at hellos, goodbyes, forgiveness and fights. These are the four things I believe to be terrible at. First impressions mean a lot. They say that someone judges you within the first few minutes (maybe even seconds) upon meeting you. My friends say I have an unpleasant (to put it gently) aura. I think I'd have to agree. I may come off as snobbish, rude, or just a bitch. It's hard for me to talk to people. I'm not good at hellos. If you take the time to look past my hard exterior and try to know the real me, you'd see that I'm actually not all that bad. To be honest, I'm still a bitch but I'm a nicer version. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Once I get to know someone and I like who they are, I like to hold on to them. I'm not good at goodbyes. Be warned, if you do something bad to me directly or to one of my close friends, I'm not one to forgive. I often hold grudges and once a bridge has caught fire, I let it burn. I'm not good at forgiveness. If I get into a fight with someone, I'll try and work it out..but if the other person isn't willing to talk it out, neither will I. I never know what to say. I hate apologizing when I don't know what I did wrong. I hate the feeling of someone being mad at me. I'm not good at fights.

There is only so much control.

I know a lot of people may believe they live by the saying "no regrets" but really.. let's be honest, how many of us actually follow through? I know I always have regrets and then I just equate it to fate. I myself, do believe in fate more so than the phrase "live with no regrets" but I still regret many many MANY things. Regrets may be small, like not getting something your gut was telling you to or taking a leap of faith on something bigger. How many times have you regret not studying for a test or studying harder (if you did study). Some things are just out of our control. In hindsight, you thought that you could have studied or you could have studied harder instead of playing video games all night. That you could have gotten more sleep, or ate a proper meal that morning instead of downing an energy drink. Regret is all around us, and sometimes even though we plan things a certain way, it just doesn't work in our favour. Life is full of life lessons. What would be the point of living if you didn't learn something every day, if you didn't change, grow, mature, learn. Regret is natural. There will always be those "what if" thoughts. Don't let them consume you. Don't let them take over you. Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.

Time Heals

I think that one of the hardest things in life is to get over a breakup with your first love. Break ups are never easy, (unless you're the heartbreaker) and they don't get any easier as time goes on.


I know it's really cliché but I feel like the saying "time heals all wounds" is true. You might be going through a break up or have been trying to get over one for a while now. You've tried everything. You've tried deleting them off your facebook, twitter, phone, etc. You've tried throwing out all of the presents, letters, tickets, cards, and anything else that he's given you. Yet, you can't seem to get them out of your head. Maybe the problem is that you're not supposed to erase them from your mind. Maybe you're supposed to cherish the memories and keep them locked away in a special part of your heart. In time, those feelings will fade. In time, the memories won't haunt you. In time, you'll forget. The worst mistake someone could make is to move on so quickly after breaking up. Another relationship will not cause the hurt to lessen. And if it does, then it's illusory. It's also not fair to him. How can you even try to start a relationship with someone when you know for a fact that your heart is unavailable. How can he give you his all, when you're so guarded? It's just not fair to him or to you. Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself time to breathe and just live. You don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Remember, single does not necessarily mean available.

Not a sweet goodbye.

So summer is winding down; less than a week left before the start of school for me. What have I been up to you might wonder? Partying? Drinking? Going out? Hanging out with friends? Enjoying my last days of summer? No. I've been working. I've been working for the past 6 days..straight. Today was my only day off and tomorrow (well later today technically) it's back to work..until Tuesday. So if I hadn't had today off, I would have been working 9 days straight.. crazy right?! You might wonder why I would use my last week of freedom to work. To be honest, I didn't plan on it. I haven't worked much this summer, only three shifts a week and thought the last week would be the same. However, my boss decided to go away to the cottage for a week so she asked me to cover her shifts. I don't know what compelled me to say yes, but I did and long story short, I now have no more summer :( Enough about work, let's talk about what I did today on my day off! Well, I went with my brother shopping since he needed to pick up a few school things (belt, shoes and socks) and decided I'd tag along since I love him oh so much and we never get to hang out! So, we did a bit of shopping and A LOT of walking. We then went to have pho because we were both craving it and I ordered a whole bunch of apps too. Sadly, my brother did not feel like the pho place was up to par with his standards :( I guess we won't be going back there. Overall, it was a lovely day spent with my favourite sibling. What have you been up to for the past week? How have you been enjoying your last week of freedom? If you aren't already back in school or don't go to school that is..