When You're Ready.

I can't deal with it anymore. It's honestly draining to keep you content. If you don't want to talk, fine. We'll be just like how you are to everyone else. I'm not going to initiate conversation. I'm not going to ask for your help. I'm not going to ask for favours. I'm just not going to do anything. I don't have enough energy in me to keep fighting; I'm done. When you're ready to talk it out like a mature adult, let me know. Because right now, you're honestly just a child.

Walking on Eggshells.

Honestly, I don't know how to deal with you anymore. You say I upset you, annoy you, piss you off but yet you never tell me why or how. I try my best to talk to you but all you do is shut me out. How can I better myself and our relationship if you refuse to talk to me, refuse to communicate? I honestly don't see what I do wrong. I apologize because I sincerely mean it and yet you still give me the cold shoulder. I don't know what you're dealing with, if you're dealing with something else but please stop taking it out on me. Stop pushing me away. I want us to have a solid relationship, one where we can confide in each other. I don't want to constantly be worrying about the next thing I say or how you'll react or what mood you'll be in the next 5 minutes. I want to know that I can talk to you without you exploding in my face or brushing me off. I don't want to be constantly walking on eggshells.

Insanity.

I don't think you understand the words that come out of my mouth sometimes. I really don't know what goes on in your head. Sometimes I wonder if it goes in through one ear and comes out the next. You apologize but honestly, you say it too much that I don't think it means anything. I don't think you realize how annoying you can be at times. Your voice haunts me. I tell you not to do things because they amplify your annoying-ness yet you continue to do it. Why? When you do things over and over, expecting different results, it's called insanity. You're insane. You keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting me to respond differently; I'm not. If anything, it gets more and more annoying as time presses on. Please learn to take the things I say to heart. I'm not trying to change who you are. But maybe if you saw what you were doing yourself, you'd want to change yourself. Because honestly, it's starting to come to the point where I don't even want to deal with you. It's exhausting. Take some time, think about it; look inside yourself; really look inside yourself.

Cheap Thrills

I think I need to find myself a new hobby or something. Something preferably cheap and won't cost me a lot in the short or long run.. I know that's a bit impossible though, since everything costs money :( Lately, I've had the random urge to bake.. I really want to bake cupcakes and decorate them! My friend has expressed that she wants to go to a cupcake workshop and it sounds interesting but I really don't want to pay 80$ for a two hour class where they don't even provide me with an apron! I would much rather spend that 80$ on my own supplies and learn myself. That way, I could at least keep my tools if all else fails. I really want to learn piping techniques and how to make fondant (it looks so nice)! I will let you know if I decide to follow through with this plan and maybe I'll save a cupcake for you too ;)

Here is what I'm picturing in my head..

Expections

Reality

Do not

I write blogs because I enjoy writing them. I like having something to do when I'm bored, feel inspired or when I just need an outlet for all the emotions that build up. I like to write what I'm thinking, in hopes that others will feel the same way. I do not however write to please others. I am not here to please your reading needs. This is my own personal blog and I will write what I want to write. You may not agree with all or most of the things I say. You may not like everything I write about or find everything I write about interesting but I never said it would be. You choose to keep reading; you can stop at any moment. I am not always going to write about good things. I will write whatever is on my mind. I don't want to feel like I can't express my emotions because I'm afraid that someone that I don't want to know will read this. I will write when I want, what I want. I don't want to feel the need to please you. I don't want to feel like I should sugar coat things in order to not hurt your feelings. I will write what I feel, how I feel about certain situations and anything else I want. I don't use names in my posts because I like to keep some things private and have that bit of anonymity. But, if you feel like a post is talking specifically to you, it probably is.

This is me.

Rosa Lin. This secretly insane girl who dreams of everything. Who dreams of her future, who wants things to play out perfectly. Who tries to move on but every time she thinks she's out.. something pulls her back in. I have a confession to make.. maybe it's not really a "confession" but more of a "hey, I'd like you to know" so here it goes.. Although you may never read this or even care enough to give it a look, I hope that one day you will or perhaps stumble upon it somehow.

I'm tired of hiding how I feel or remaining in secret.

You'll never know the impact you created on me if I don't tell you so here it is. The time we shared together was is something I cherished very much. With you, I felt happy. You were everything to me, everything I could ask for. You were a friend whom I spoke to everyday and developed a bond with. You were someone I admired very much and aspired to be the best that I could be. You taught me nothing a book or education could teach me. You taught me to love. I fell in love with you, quite hard I might add. I think I fell a bit too hard and a bit too fast but when you're in love you do the most absurd, irrational things. That was proven to me. I don't think any amount of words could describe how I felt for you nor do I think they ever will. I know that we are no longer together, that's sunken in already. In the time that we've been apart, I've tried to figure a lot of things out. I've played every scene in my head a million times; how we could have done things differently. And I've finally given up. I realize now that I will never get over you because you were and are my first love. Out of everyone else for some reason you're the one that has stayed with me. I dug a deep deep hole and was forced to climb out of it. I thought that's what I was supposed to do, climb and climb no matter how many times I fell back down. I was wrong. Instead of fighting against your existence, and trying to forget, I've learned to appreciate and remember the time we shared. I'll keep the memories of you because the future is unknown, changing with every decision I make, it is never crystal clear. The past however, has passed. It's there, never changing, a constant, a stabilizer. A piece of my heart will always belong to you regardless if you want it or not. I'll love you forever and always.. because I meant it when I said forever ;)

Half the time you were falling in love, and the other half falling out. For me, I was falling, and kept falling until I landed here, in the mariana trench of love. I may not be in love, but I still do love [you]

Reminisce. .

i cant stop thinking about you
you are continuously running around my mind
everywhere i go, everything i do,
i am always thinking of you.
not that its a bad thing,
but i just want you to know how much you mean to me
how much you've changed me. made me grow.
i have finally found something in life that i care about
and i never wanna lose you.
i've been lacking you lately,
but i've somehow pulled through
waiting for that one day.
that one day where i'll be with you once more.
i only hope that you miss me as much as i do you
cause i am dying for that day to come.
i want to fastforward time,
just until i get to see you. then time can stand still.
but it seems as though the opposite is happening.
i never have enough time with you
so i cherish every minute we're together
i wish you were with me now. i miss you. i love you. <3

What goes around, comes around.

Do you believe in karma? The saying, what goes around comes around? Have you experienced its strength or are you one of those people that are still skeptical? I believe in karma. I believe that whatever you put out into the world, whether it be positive or negative energy, it will be reciprocated back to you. It may happen within seconds or it may take years, but eventually, it catches up to you, everything often does. I remember one instance in particular that sticks in my head. I was once waiting for my bus and I noticed there was a girl sitting on the nearby bench. When she got up, the 50$ that was in her back pocket fell out and landed under the bench. I could have waited for her to leave and pick up the 50$ but I didn't. I told her before she got up to leave. And do you know what she did? She gave me a dirty look and didn't even say thank you. How rude I thought to myself. I just saved this girl from losing 50$ and she has the audacity to give me a dirty look?! I was somewhat bitter afterwards because of the response I got from her. Afterwards of course, I kept thinking to myself that it would have been better to just wait for her to leave and pocket the money myself. But I knew that it wouldn't have been the right thing to do. Years later, while at work, I found 50$. No, I did not find it in the cash register (haha) A customer must have dropped it but I thought back to the time I had told that girl she had dropped her money and decided that this must have been [good] karma coming back to me. I did not see the person that dropped the 50$ at work, had I, I would have told them, but I didn't so.. it was mine to keep. This is an instance where karma took a while to get back to me, but eventually it did. It seems as though bad karma is usually faster to make its way around. I remember one time in elementary school, I didn't like this girl so I would think bad thoughts about her (like wishing she would fall while running) and instead, I was the one that fell flat on my face. So, I guess I'm trying to persuade you in the direction of karma, that it does exist and it is not a hoax. That whatever you put out into the world, positive or negative, it will come back to you [eventually]. You have the power to change the world, one positive thought at a time. Be kind to strangers, kill them with kindness; smile. Good karma will only bring around more good karma. Why would you want to wish bad things upon someone if ultimately those bad things will come back to haunt you, yourself? I would much rather send good vibes out into the universe in hopes to get it in return.

Laziness; it gets the best of me.

So today, I woke up pretty early. Woke up around 8:30 to get ready to go to the bank with my brother to open an account. It didn't take long thankfully and we went to Starbucks afterwards because it was so hot again today! He got a caramel macchiato (ick) and I got an iced green tea ♥ Hehehe, I tweeted it to @StarbucksCanada and they even replied back saying they liked my nails. Kind of made my day (just saying). I was supposed to go to laser quest and out for dinner but I was too lazy after my nap. When I woke, my friend texted me and told me to go to Starbucks to meet up because he was "sheltering from the rain". I looked outside and it wasn't even raining.. I'm pretty sure he just wanted an excuse to be at Starbucks XD Anywho, even that I was too lazy to go to (even though I LOVE Starbucks) I just felt too groggy and lethargic from my nap to get up, shower and get ready to go out. So here I sit, on a Friday night, blogging. LOL

Truth.

The one you love, and the one that loves you, are never, ever, the same person.

Beating the Heat.

Today, my friend, sister and I went to a restaurant called Wish I had called on Sunday to make reservations and gotten the answering machine so I left a message. I told them that I wanted to make reservations for three people for 12pm on Wednesday (today). I left my name (Rosa) and hung up. Today when we went, I told the guy that was waiting to help us that I had made reservations and that it would be under the name Rosa. He looked at the list and was unable to find it. I searched the list with my friends as well. To my dismay, I did not see my name on the list! He then went to go ask for help from a woman. I assume she was the owner. She asked me what my name was and searched the list too. Let's just say, there was a big misunderstanding and she thought my name was Erica. So, finally we got the issue sorted out and the whole day, my sister and my friend made fun of me by calling me Erica. After we had our lovely meal, we made our way to Ontario Place! * A little background info; I don't know how to swim. Hahaha. Anyways, they basically forced me onto all the water slides but to my surprise.. it was actually REALLY fun! And the best part was, I didn't even need to swim. I sat nice and comfortably in a tube while I went through the tunnels (: We also went on the log ride and bumper boats. I wish we had gotten there earlier or stayed a bit later but it was fun nonetheless (exhausting too!) To end the day off, I finally got to try funnel cake! I was a bit disappointed.. but mehh. I much prefer beavertails. Time to post some pictures from lunch! Enjoy!

Just a Kiss. .

Have you ever met someone and after talking to them for a bit, felt the urge to kiss them? Or have you ever known someone for an extensive amount of time and then one day, all of a sudden, you catch yourself looking staring at their lips? I seem to have this problem a lot. I always find myself wanting to kiss people.. I think it's odd that I just seem to be drawn to lips. It's nothing overly sexual of course. It's just, I'm curious (I guess you could say). I wonder how some kisses feel over others and I wonder if there would be a spark. Is it strange?

Wish It Could Have Been Me.

And in that moment, I knew that you had fell in love with her. I saw the love in your eyes; the sparkle. You hugged her, holding tighter and tighter. She hugged back, tucked ever so delicately under your strong arms. She looked at you with her eyes that seemed to pierce into your soul; you held each others gaze and then.. it happened. The kiss. The kiss that would change everything. The kiss that made her, yours and you, hers. It seemed like forever had passed. The kiss that lasted an eternity. I forgot how long I had been standing there.. just lost, broken, torn. I fell back into the shadows and I knew that I had to let you go. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. I wanted to fight for you still but I knew that there was nothing left for me to do. It had happened. You had sealed your fate with her.

Into the Future

Do you believe that dreams are an insight into the future? Sometimes I experience deja vu..actually quite often I do. I experienced it last night when I was walking home through that too familiar path. But anyways, last night I had a few dreams. I dreamt that I was working at the daycare I occasionally work at and there was a new batch of kids. I don't remember their names, it was all a blur. I just know that there was one little blond boy in particular that was strangely attached to me. He was very cute. It sounds like that dream that could possibly come true.. My next dream was a bit.. off? I don't know how to describe it. I was somewhere and there was this person with a camera that rested on a horizontal ladder and the camera was able to slide on it. It was a very weird but cool set up? I guess the next part of my dream is where I really want to know if this telling of the future thing will happen. I dreamt that I was trying to find your contact in my phone. I looked for it for a few minutes because I probably had something I wanted to tell you. After a bit of searching I realized that you had changed your name. It changed to something with a J. I assumed it was the initial of your new girlfriend. So I didn't message you. I guess I'm hoping it doesn't come true. I like talking to you.

The Simpler Things

I love when I get good morning texts. It just instantly fills me up with joy and wakes me in a good mood. I love good night texts, they too fill me with happiness and allow me to slumber with a smile on my face. I love when people hold the door for me when they see me coming. I love when people miss the garbage can and pick up their trash and try again instead of leaving it on the floor. I love the sound of rain. I love hot showers. I love cuddling in bed, securely wrapped in my blanket. I love hugging. I love the feel of a new book. I love the warmth of freshly printed paper. I love orchids. I love the way a cool breeze feels on a hot summer day. I love rolling coins I've saved to see how much I've actually saved. I love just loafting. I love when you make the effort to see me. I love the smell of freshly cleaned clothes. I love when you message me, out of the blue, just to talk; not because you were bored but because I was on your mind, that you were thinking of me. I love tea. I love lounging at home in shorts and a tee. I love hitting every green light when I need to be somewhere. I love cupcakes and macarons. I love fro-yo. I love saying fro-yo. I love the feeling of getting my hair cut because my head feels so light after. I love making lists and crossing them out as I accomplish them. I love food. I love the simpler things.

Le Week-end

So since I've been too tired to update I'm gonna do a weekend update thing (: usually I just work on the weekends but this weekend has been pretty eventful. I went out with my sister on friday to run a few errands (went to the bank to deposit some coins that I had been saving and shoppers to mail a letter after putting it off for a few weeks). After errands we went to Star King for pho (which is always nice especially when she pays). I hadn't been there in a while so I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had somewhat upgraded. Their menus were no longer falling apart and were actually binded really nicely. The pictures were also nicely photographed and pleasing to the eye. Even their drinks had upgraded! My sister got coke that came in the nice glass bottle instead of a can which was a cute touch. After being stuffed from our late lunch (being the fatasses that me and my sister are) we went to Wendy's for some dessert. Tbh, I was a bit disappointed. I will leave it at that. Afterwards, I left my sister to go downtown to go to a "reunion". It was supposed to be for my gr 8 class and included the teachers as well. Turned out to be a big fail. Only 4 students showed up (myself included) but I guess it wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be. We caught up a bit and just talked. Oh, I should probably mention where this "reunion" took place. We went to Cafe California for dinner since Summerlicious is happening (you get a three course meal for a set price). I ordered a caesar salad, steak, and cream caramel. The food was good but the service was terrible. Took forever for our waiter to come, take our orders and deliver our food. He also did not refill our water even after pointing out that we needed more (several times). Maybe if Summerlicious had not been going on, it would have been better but I guess we'll never know now, will we? So that sums up Friday night. Today, I went to work (of course). Had a pretty long shift (I stayed a bit later than usual because I had to kill time since I was waiting to meet friends at 8. I got tired of work so I signed myself out and headed to the theatres. I was still going to be early so I ended up going into Indigo/Chapters for a bit. As I was browsing around I noticed that there was a bookshelf full of books that were on sale! I checked to see if there was anything good since the books that are usually on sale are pretty lame. To my surprise, I found the House of Night series! IN HARD COVER! Guess how much they were? They were 2 dollars! YES, 2. Dollars! I definitely snatched them up since I had heard good things about them. Sadly I only got 3 of the 4 (Marked, Betrayed, and Chosen) but it's still better than nothing! I ended up getting 5 books today. (I never buy books) The other two books are called Three girls and their brother and Play me Hopefully they're good. I think I really milked it today. 5 books for about half the cost of a regular hardcover book. Not too shabby, not too shabby ;) And then, it was time to meet my friends to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II I will not spoil it for anyone who has not watched it but let's just say it was AMAZING! Hope you all are having a lovely weekend! Back to work for me tomorrow so I might as well skip tomorrows update. Maybe if something interesting happens I'll be able to create a separate post. This one.. is EXTREMELY long.. Sorry about that :S

Friends before Lovers?

Do you think it's better to be friends first then lovers or is it completely possible to be lovers right off the bat? I always used to think that it was impossible to be with someone unless I were friends with them first. This is probably only how a naive young person thinks because the idea of being with a stranger is frightening and somewhat unheard of in childhood. As I grow older, I come to realize that it is possible to have a healthy relationship with someone that you have not known for an extensive amount of time. However, I still believe that being friends with someone first is a good way to start any relationship. When you meet someone for the first time, you feel awkward and somewhat uneasy.. imagine if meeting them for the first time (or even second) was on a date between just the two of you. I just think it's easier to start off friends then progress into lovers. But then again, the first time meeting them may not be awkward and uneasy and you could hit it off right away. I guess it all depends. If you go straight from strangers to lovers you have nothing to fall back on when the relationship ends. This is because you were never in the friends stage and don't know how to be friends with that person. When you are friends with someone first, you see who they are as a person. You see who they really are. They aren't putting up a façade to impress you because you are only friends at the moment. You aren't blinded by love (yet) and can see clearly. You also have a greater chance of falling back into the friends stage when the relationship ends. But again, this all depends..

Doubts?

How many times have you had doubts? Been unsure? Been uncertain? How many times has it been because of your girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, lover, partner, significant other? What's the simplest way to see how they feel without directly asking them? Simple. Text them three words. I Love You. Nothing more. Nothing less. No hearts, smileys, winks, quotations, nothing. Just those three words. And wait. How can it fail? Hope it helps!

*Disclaimer: only say it if you really do love them. Don't go playing with hearts now. (:

Everyone's a Critic.

I am not perfect. I know that. I can be rude, self-centred, arrogant, obnoxious, annoying and more. I do not claim to be perfect. I don't think you do either. I make mistakes. I have SO many flaws. Trust me, I know. I try to be the best that I can be. I have better days than some. I sometimes do not even realize the way I act because who can really keep in check 24/7? I slip up. I fcuk up. I'm human. Some people are just not meant to mesh. I'm fine with that. We can be civil. We just can't be friends. Not everyone you meet is going to like you. It's just the way it is. Life isn't fair. And it sure as hell isn't easy. I try to put up a strong front. I try to be confident. I try so hard to not let others define me or get the best of me. But really, who am I kidding. I have insecurities. I have my doubts. I probably am my own worst enemy. I pick at all the things I've done wrong, all my imperfections, all my flaws. You have no idea how long it's taken me to build my self-esteem to where it is. I put up a cold front because I'm afraid of people seeing the real me. The girl that gets worked up over strangers judging her. The girl who is an emotional wreck. The girl who cries during movies that aren't even meant to be sad. I'm afraid that people will take it as a sign of weakness and take advantage. I don't want to be vulnerable to hurt. I don't want to appear weak. I'm not always right. I'm often wrong. I'm unable to open up to people easily. I don't like talking about my problems. I take a lot of warming up to. I have trust issues. I'm blatantly honest. I have a weird sense of humour. Those who know me, know it's just the way I am. It has nothing to do with the way I was brought up, it's my own personality. I don't like pretending to be fake. It's just not who I am. I'm not going to extend an olive branch to every single person that crosses my path because if they were meant to be apart of my life, it wouldn't be necessary.

"Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter" - Dr. Seuss

Cherry Culture!

My package from Cherry Culture finally came today! I placed my order on June 17th and got it today, July 5th. It took almost 2 and a half weeks to get here! I am not happy with the amount of time it took for shipping but am very happy with the products. I ordered 3 nyx blushes, 6 lipsticks, 1 eyebrow pencil and a nail polish set that came with four polishes. I am glad to see that everything came in one piece (no broken items). Everything was wrapped in bubble wrap and then placed into a box and stuffed with paper. I'll post pictures as well as swatches now.

Lipsticks

Blush

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that they threw in a bubble gum lip balm (I thought that was nice). It still doesn't make up for the shipping

The Pursuit of Love

Love is nothing of material worth. The word itself is not tangible unless you were to take it literally. For then in that sense you could find blocks that spell love and prove me wrong. For the sake of the argument, we will deny that. So if love itself has no materialistic worth in our immensely materialistic world, why are so many people in the pursuit of love? Is it because love brings warmth on those chilly winter nights? Someone to cuddle up with in front of an open fire? Or perhaps the idea that love solves everything and dissolves all pain? For it is said that love can heal what modern medicine can not. For if this was the purpose of love could a pet not suffice? Or perhaps love is something deeper. Something in which requires one to give all that they have and not hold themselves back. For love is not giving 50/50, it's giving 100/100. Is love something that can only be completely achieved with a life long commitment? I'm unsure. Do people pursue love for happiness? For surely love leads to happiness. And thus, is the real pursuit here the pursuit of happiness? For if it were, then this will surely lead to insanity and a dreadful life. For it is said that the pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness. So it would be wise to not pursue love because subconsciously one is on the pursuit of happiness and happiness can not be pursued for it merely leads to unhappiness.

Just a Feeling

Woke up pretty early today. It's not even 9am where I am. I have a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach; I feel sick. Doesn't seem like it'll be a good day. Hopefully my instincts are wrong. Going to try and go back to sleep to try and sleep it off. Hopefully it helps.

What's Wrong?

I've been feeling a bit down the past few days; I don't know what's wrong. I hate when I'm in one of these moods where I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I'm sad but I'm not sure where this sadness is coming from; I can't directly pinpoint an event that happened to make me feel like this. Maybe I just need to have a good cry but I don't feel like crying. I think I just need a nice hug or something. Even shopping online is proving to be useless. Maybe I need to find a new hobby or something; something that will consume me in it. I feel like all my friends are off doing their own things and there's no time for me. I think I've been growing distant to a lot of people. I feel like I don't see my family as often as I'd like because we're all just on different schedules. I feel defeated by life I guess. I hate that others know what they want to do in life and are working towards it. I hate that I'm being left behind. Maybe I should volunteer somewhere or something.