A Glimpse Into My Soul

Relationships are hard. They need lots of work and people that are willing to work hard on them. I never knew how much effort it took to keep a relationship until now. I used to breeze through relationships. When times got hard, I left. It was my modus operandi. I figured that it was just easier to leave then to try and work things out. But, I'm older now. I realize that relationships do need work; they do need effort.. you just can't breeze your way through them. With each conflict that we solve together, it builds us. It helps us to build stronger and better bonds. I'm not perfect.. I mess up.. a lot. I try my best though and I hope you see that. I hope that we'll continue to work on us. I can't imagine not having you. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, a bitterness to my heart, a loss of breath, a trembling in my fingers, a silence in my head, and a fear that engulfs me. It has been a while since I've felt this way towards anyone. I know that we haven't been together long but I feel like we've known each other forever. I like that you have the same kind of humour, the weird moments we share that lead to contagious ugly laughs. I like lying next to you, breathing the same air. I like when we hold hands in the car and you let me shift for you (I think I'm getting better). I like going on adventures with you. I like when we think about the future and even plan for it. I like that you always make me feel better. I like when we kiss and cuddle. I like when you do little things like open my door first or kiss my hand randomly. I like everything that you do and I don't even mind that sometimes we don't agree on things. It would be boring if we both liked the same things and didn't disagree at all. I like that we've been able to work things out so far and I hope that we'll continue. I hope that we'll continue to bond and grow together (not apart). I want this forever (truly). I'm in love with you.

Uncertainty.

I didn't know that it would be so hard. I didn't know that this would be such an obstacle. I didn't know we'd be hurting each other. I didn't think we'd ever have to face this problem. I'm sorry for bringing you grief. I'm sorry for making you sad. Those were the last of my intentions, ever. Can we just go back?

Keeping My Head Above Water

I feel as though I've been really busy as of late. I haven't had time to just lounge around at home or sleep much. It's draining but I feel kind of good about it. I just need to keep up with readings and school work. I need to learn to work with my time better and everything should be okay.. hopefully.

Unsettling.

I can't help but feel this heart wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel as if I've disappointed you. That I'm a disappointment. I feel as if I've hurt you. That you deserve better. I keep questioning everything. I'm worried that you'll disappear. I'm afraid of allowing myself to completely open up and fall.. You worry me. I worry about you, about us. I'm afraid that I'll eventually push you away. It's all very unsettling to me.

"Sorry"

It really bothers me when people say sorry and you can tell that they don't really mean it. There is no empathy in their tone of voice. No indication that it were truly sincere; That they were truly sorry from the bottom of their heart. Some say it, just to say it. And that bothers me. You should know better. I'd prefer if you didn't say it actually. I hate hearing things that carry no meaning. Don't tell me things I want to hear. I want to hear the truth or nothing at all. "Sorry" means nothing to me coming from you.

Rough Patch.

It's really upsetting how it's all fallen apart so quick. What ever happened to us? We used to be so happy. I miss hanging out, just you and me. I miss the inside jokes we shared. I miss the weird and twisted sense of humour we have.. I miss you. I don't want you to leave.. ever. You are one of the better things in my life and just the thought of existing without you makes my stomach churn. You are my amazing friend.

Unsure?

I have recently discovered that a few guys that used to talk to me quite frequently don't talk to me as much (if at all) any more. Not to sound conceited or anything but I came up with the theory that they either had feelings for me or got tired of talking to me. I usually would lean towards the latter but why did it stop so abruptly? Thus, I have come to the conclusion that if you want to know if someone is interested in you, get into a relationship with someone else and see if they stop talking to you. If they do, chances are, they had feelings for you.. Or at least, that only seems like the plausible explanation.. but then again, maybe they just found something better.

Selfish.

I can't help it.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel insufficient.

..

It shouldn't bother me like this.. but it does. It's not right. I shouldn't feel like this.

You Should Never.

Although you may never be happy all the time, you should strive to be. If there is ever anything that causes you pain, that causes you to be unhappy, you should change it. You should learn to let things go; the ones that hurt you, tear you apart and prevent you from smiling. Sometimes, the things that make us happy momentarily aren't worth holding onto. When the minutes of dissatisfaction are more frequent than the glimpses of happiness, you should learn to let go. No matter how much it may hurt to do this, sometimes it's necessary in order to properly heal, in order to move on to something better. Never stay because you are afraid to leave. Stay because you want to stay. Stay because you want to grow together instead of growing apart. If you feel like things are falling apart, if you feel like the pieces don't fit together, don't force it. This isn't to say that it won't take a bit of work, it will. This is just to say, two people should never have to force something to work. There shouldn't be an upward battle; all the time.

Starting The New Year

I think New Years has got to be my favourite holiday. I don't know why.. probably because all the other ones don't really appeal to me. This New Years was spent with the boyfriend and his friends. We first had dinner and then later met up with them to head over to one of his friends house. We didn't have a crazy, drunk night like most people our age. Instead it was a night full of laughter, trolling and games. I was quite nervous at first because it was my first time really meeting them (other times it was more of a hey-bye thing) so I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't sure if they'd approve of me or even be willing to accept me into their close-knit circle. Overall, I think it was a good night. There wasn't any awkwardness from what I could tell.. but who knows. A good start to the New Year. Let's hope it's a good one. 2012, be good to me.. please.